Facebook Over Face Time: When Technology Keeps You From Those You Love

All of today’s wonderful technology allows us to stay in touch like never before with extended networks of people. But it comes with a downside.


The more time we spend surfing the Web, Tweeting or updating our Facebook friends, the less time we have to interact with those closest to us.


Some people know more about what is going on with their Facebook friends than they do about their actual friends and kids. Unless you “friend” your kids on Facebook, you may have no idea what they are doing today.


Among the thousands of people I’ve taught, I often hear people complain they have a hard time connecting with their spouse and kids. Yet I’ll bet many of them are really well connected in Internet chat groups. Do you see a pattern here?


But technology helps us to connect…


I’m grateful for technology. I use it to share photos with family members who don’t live in the islands. I and other parents take videos of our kids dancing at Hula Halau, the hula school we attend here in Hawaii, and put them on YouTube. Otherwise some of our family members outside the islands would not have seen them for a year or more.


But it is important to understand if your use of technology is keeping you from time with your family and friends. Ask yourself a few questions:


  • Do you complain that you’re not connected with friends and family?
  • Do you suspect you are addicted to technology such as Facebook or other social networking sites?
  • Are you so engrossed with Facebook and Twitter that you’ve become a twit?


If the answer to these questions is yes, that’s a good sign that it is time to log off the Internet, turn off the TV and unplug the gaming console.


I recommend that you as a parent regulate your child’s screen time and your own time online. Instead of creating a post about what you’re going to be doing or just did, spend that time connecting with those closest to you.


If you really have a problem regulating your use of technology, it helps to understand some of the reasons we turn to technology for fulfillment.


The Iago Trance


Do you feel like you are just going through the motions, automatically turning on whatever electronic medium soothes you? Is this habit keeping you from spending time with family? Does it suck up time you’d rather be spending on your spiritual path (i.e. meditating or praying)? This may be a sign that you have succumbed to what is known as the “iago trance” — a naturally occurring state of mind that lulls you into unconsciousness.


Huna, the ancient Hawaiian system of consciousness that I teach and practice, gives us tools to stay connected with the moment and the world around us and not be lulled into the iago trance. At our Huna workshops we spend nine days seeking that “ah ha” moment of clarity and empowerment.


If technology is interfering with your real world relationships, it is time to cut out unnecessary screen time and maximize the activities that keep you out of the trance. Here are some tips to help you do it:


  • Ask yourself if technology is helping or hindering you from accomplishing all you wish to do. At the end of the day do you say, “I wish I had more time to work out, meditate, play with my kids or connect with my spouse”?
  • Make a list of everything that prevents you from being connected to your friends, family, and loved ones, and pick one that you’re going to cut out.
  • If a particular technology has you feeling hooked, try cutting it out for a week and seeing what difference it makes in your life. Ask yourself if you’re using it the way you originally intended, or is it keeping you in iago trance?
  • Lay down boundaries for yourself and your family on the activities that prevent you from connecting. For instance, try keeping your Facebook page very private and not just “friending” anyone.
  • Find other “unplugged” ways to reduce stress, such as spending a few minutes outdoors in the fresh air, walking and connecting with nature, or quietly in meditation or prayer.


I’d rather tell my wife good morning than tell the people on Facebook I just woke up. How about you?


Do you spend more time with “E-friends” than your “live” friends and family? Take the quiz.


Your child approaches you with a question while you’re on Facebook. Do you:

o    Make your kid wait until you’ve finished whatever you’re doing.
o    Stop immediately and pay attention to your child?


You have a problem you’re working out. Who knows about it first?

o    Your Facebook friends.
o    Your loved ones.


Your husband/wife/lover comes up to give you affection. Do you:

o    Acknowledge them.
o    Keep Tweeting.


Do you feel know people on Facebook you’ve never met better than your “live” friends?

o    Yes.
o    No.


Is your first reaction to share your experiences with your:

o    Live friends.
o    Virtual friends.


Do you feel like your long drive to work is preventing you from tweeting?

o    Yes.
o    No.


Is interacting with virtual friends taking you away from tasks that need to be accomplished?

o    Yes.
o    No.


Matt James


P.S. Take a look at our upcoming empowerment event!! Click here for empowerment!


  1. Michele Hawley L.P.N./C.Ht. says:

    I absolutely agree with your article. My husband and I have had this discussion and re-visited it to allow the concept to “take” as well. I am away all day working, he is home all day working. We have established a rule that may be broken only with mutual consent, that after I am home and have had time to address my personal email and accounts – it was time to turn off the computers and leave them off. IF someone really needed us they could call in person and life on the Internet would go on nicely without us being present.
    Michele Hawley

  2. Thank you so much, and I agree too!! Although I am on Facebook and I do enjoy it, my family comes first!!

  3. J. G. Harris says:


    Excellent article. How personal is a personal computer? You can receive a hug from your wife and family members. Hearing loved ones laugh next to you, sharing meals together, smelling flowers in a field, walking on a sandy beach, and watching the sunset along the coast are experienced gifts to remember. We are all more than virtual people. I appreciate the convenience of technology and the information available “at our fingertips”; however, social media provides a close proximity of real experiences, holding hands with a grandchild on the way to get ice cream is real.

    J.G. Harris

  4. Sheila Batsheva Decora says:

    Technology can be a way of reaching out to others who might be missed or forgotten. It makes me sad that technology is a way for many people to hide out from authentic relationships. Some individuals are so phobic about risking, that even riding in a car with another, they turn on music to shield themselves from a real in-time sharing of hearts.

    Even the phone is a less than wonderful way to share with others, but it does allow us to hear those hesitations, those sighs, and the tone of voice signaling that a friend has special concerns that would otherwise be hidden from you.

    Give me a real rib crushing hug over a virtual hug any day!

  5. Elise Vazquez says:

    So true, Matt. THANK YOU for sharing this! For a society that is so connected, we are truly disconnected from those that truly matter in many cases. Excellent article…

  6. Thoughtful and informative words. Thank you.

  7. Hi Coralee,
    Thanks so much. I am glad you enjoyed it.